Here I am, chewing my final meal for such a day, I swallow my bite into my mouth, I swallow my tear into my eyes, they both meet into my throat, greet each other and chat while they go deep down my aching stomach. Even my teary bites aren’t lonely as me.
Here I am, writing alone, browsing for a glimpse of a small connection with any body, just somebody, ok be more frank and say exactly someone in specific.
Here I am, sleeping alone and waking up dreaming of a different thing happening, a miracle, a rage or at least a revolution, but oh yeah, it's all the same.
Here I am, watching my favorite romantic movie alone and crying, not coz am alone, but coz the story is so touchy and needs a lot of patience to make the 2 lovers meet again. For this movie tells the true beauty of a love affair, I can watch it for ever. But would like to watch it with him, only him alone, why does he keep coming up in everything I do in my life?
Here I am, connecting all my daily actions to him, not because of him, but wanting to share it with him. If I drink coffee, I wish he is there drinking with me, if am reading, I wish he is there working on his stuff.
If I am creating my own stuff, I wish he is there, watching over me and helping me see another point of view that might help me.
If I am discussing an issue, I wish he is there, listening to me. Then at the end of the day, we are sitting side by side, giggling and sharing our moment under the silver beams of the moon, promising each other to wake up early next morning so that we try and swim naked in the water.
Once my friend told me, if I show my love, it's considered weakness, but how can that be? If I show my love and its considered weakness, or unwanted, then , it’s the other person's loss, not mine, for I give not take, for I can be bad at times, misunderstood in others, but not all corrupted. Not ill hearted. Love is not my sign of weakness, it's my top value personification of me, and it's my strength and offering to this world, so what about him? I have all the love I can give to a whole wide world, but, when a small space of this world doesn't want to accept it, isn’t it hurtful? Especially when all you need is just this small space of the world to love you back??
Greedy? I might be, but why should I take what I don’t need and cry all my days and nights for something I want but can't have?
Here I am, sitting all alone, just thinking of him. Thinking of my unborn, unwanted love to him, on how much I must prepare myself for the ultimate loss that can happen at any point, trying to accept the fact that he will be just fine without me, and I will survive without him.
Here I am, losing another cell of my brain trying t solve the mystery of love and its awkwardness.
مادامك مش معي
والاسواء مش وحيد"
مشروعك معي على الاكيد
مش اكيد و بعيييد
بتعطي مواعيد شو بتفيد
توقيتك مش معي
و الا انت التحديد
حبك ل الي لا بيقل و لا بيزيد
Here I am, sitting in my living room, so funny to call it living, coz it's not alive at all.